Monday, June 28, 2010
12:57 AM
Mothers day was horrible. The anniversary outing was worse. I was shouted at in the afternoon n at night i was scolded fuck u many times. Why? He has never ever used vulgarities on mi before. I was so lookin forward to a whole day out today n suggested chillin out wif the bubs n it was all arranged den sud he rem got football to watch, so i cried in disappointment. End up wif him shoutin at mi when i was reasonin how i was lookin forward to dis special day, planned eat seoulgarden too bud afternoon he oso shouted wad is yr prob to mi when rx was yellin/cryin n his mum was blowin hair n i was doing photos so i shouted from room since he outside to take care of darling n he thot i shout at him bud he was in kitchen wad i dun raise voice how he hear den he came to mi n shout in my face. Den he went to sleep so my moid for seoulgarden oso gone. I dun tink i wan to haf anymore xpectations of any impt dates to mi anymore. Whole day his face so gloomy when we onli left house at 4pm n ended up doin wad? Walkin in jp. I cried enuff. Im scolded enough. Deres sumthin with his temper since rx born. He even refer her as the kid the kid the kid when he was angry.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
12:25 AM
B strong b strong...
The person whom i nid to comfort n love mi most doesnt do so. I got it from my mummy n my best fren. Is that enough for mi?
*** and this has now become a memory..
Thursday, May 20, 2010
1:00 AM
When will the pnd go away?!
I didnt take meds dat was supposed to make the hormones balanced but sideeffects were scary like weight gain, dizzy, headache, blur.
The meds supposed to help cure 50% of the pnd while the other 50% was from love support from my husband. Obviously the man chooses his support as 100% since i didnt wanna take meds.
However his temper n rage n impatience has been on the rise since rx was born. N his shoutin n anger will trigger my pnd. :( :(
if it is hard fer a normal heathy man to curb his emotions, wad more can he xpect from mi who is sick n unwell?
As usual the monster triggers my depression 99% of the time by sayin how much rx adores her n wan her makin mi soooo jealous n angry. Its apparent that disipline cleaningup naggings r my job while monster onli gives play to rx.
When hubbyvkeeps scoldin rx not to go into the kitchen, monster will praise rx for goin in kitchen to find her.
We wan to make rx learn how to sit n wait but all she nid to do is look at the monster n monster will carry her.
I keep thinkin n thinkin n all i wan is love from pple i love.
Rx adores monster
hubby violent temper who dun show affection
who else do i haf left?
My mother i left bhind at home...
My dog who loves mi the most...
I guess i nid to b stronger n stop cryin from loneliness.
My pnd scares mi alot.
Its like i haf another voice tokin to mi, tellin mi to go n die.
Tellin mi i haf nobody. Thats the emotional torture. Physically, i get panic/anxiety attacks which totally freaks mi out.
Im tired of this shit n comfort that i nid from him will nvr come.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Sunday, April 25, 2010
7:03 PM
canary...
hope the prayers get to the canary and it will get well soon.
it came to visit us when i was 3 months preggie. we decided to keep it for at most a week as a guest so we even bought a cheap cage for it to stay in. den when the week was up, we wanted to set it free again but hubby's mother said it prob belonged to someone so she kept it to wait for someone to redeem it.
time flies, over a year already. the bird is still here. and it has grown weaker. so much so that it cant even fly anymore. di n mui took it to the vet and it is now in the hospital receiving treatment.
i really regret not standing by my stand a year ago letting it go. to mi it was a guest sent to visit. why did it become a captive and how did it become like this.
i really believe in guest thingy.
i still rem when i was pri4, very lonely at home. He sent mi this very cute pigeon that landed on my window sill. it accompanied mi for another two years until i had more friends and one day it just decided to go. and true enough, it just simply flew away. i cried like buckets coz i adored it so much but it was given to mi coz i nided it then and it has gone to help another person.
hence this canary. there was once hubby wanted to fake that it accidentally flew away but his mother said dad liked the little yellow bird.
i really tink dis gift should go back to the sky and visit someone else who nids it.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Monday, April 19, 2010
11:36 PM
got de iphone..
never was a fan of that super un user friendly phone.
hubby and my best friend both has the phone and they tell mi how wonderful it is.
but i had trouble typing on it.
i oso had trouble customizing it.
but..
one day while happily taking videos n photos of my cute little rx, my sonyeric phone OUT OF MEMORY.
==;;;
and using iphones camera i can take moving pics of rx more clearly than my sonyeric phone.
==;;;
so in the end,
hubby bought mi de iphone.
but believe mi, i took 1 whole week to find a phone casing i would like b4 i even got the phone. so u can imagine how i dislike its look. finally bought the phone AFTER i had a customized casing done for it. hurhur i dun know how to upload it into the com yet so show u guys the casing when hubby teach mi how to use this stupid phone.
for rx!! bye sonyeric. hi iphone. yucks
I CANT EVEN PUT MY OWN SMS RINGTONE and i cannot put my own mp3 as ringtone oso. WTF!
*** and this has now become a memory..
Sunday, April 11, 2010
12:47 AM
u know...
i thought i wont be blogging about angry things again coz my chinese medicine been working and i haf been quite well. HOWEVER, hubby reminded mi that during those days when i was well is when that monster is not at home most of the time and i had baby all to myself.
now its near 1am.
baby is in her fucking room, listening to her loud KTV hokkien music with the loud bass booming away.
she really hates baby to sleep. she thinks sleeping babies end up stupid.
in the afternoon, she oso will purposely knock the door when baby trying to sleep, to make baby turn ard to hear the knocking sound from where. if baby dun turn, she will continue to knock. WTF INCONSIDERATE IS THAT?
in the morning, she will go bing bang boom all the loud loud noises to wake baby up when baby is sleepin outside. i dono if its intentional for this one.
i dun understand her. i really dunno wad she wan. she wan a kid? go fucking fuck someone and get another child. dun fucking always take mine away from mi from my arms whenever you are FREE and haf nothing to do.
MY baby is NOT your fucking play toy.
ps: u know if baby everytime see her dun smile at her, she wont let baby go. baby HAS to smile at her everytime she see her. its a MUST.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Monday, March 29, 2010
12:20 AM
astonished after a flip flip~!~! lolx
*** and this has now become a memory..
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
11:33 PM
trying...still trying...
i really wanna get well...
but its so hard...
i know she adores my little girl...but why must she always take her away from mi when i haf my girl's attention on mi?
best is always when im tryin to coax her to sleep, she will come and play with my girl until my girl smile at her then she happy. like juz now...my girl tryin to sleep..with the dudu in her mouth...she came and pluck out the dudu and ask my girl to smile at her first den can sleep. ><;;;;;;
den after that keep telling mi she wanna sleep already, going to sleep already then when i singing song to my girl and she almost dozing off, she come and talk to mi about dis and that and my girl open her eyes to look again.
i really dun understand...she hates my girl sleeping issit? coz she herself sleep at 3am so my girl cannot sleep earlier? i myself nid to sleep leh...she wake at 11 to 12pm next day but i wake in the morning.
den juz now hubby n mi took baby down for a walk den she always walk finish will wan to take a SHORT nap. den when at home, hubby told his mother that baby going to nap..she dun believe say baby wans to go out and play still. end up baby really fell asleep for that short 30mins.
i really think my MIL hates to see my baby sleeping. and she doesnt wan baby to spend time with mi. i wan to go home......
*** and this has now become a memory..
Monday, March 22, 2010
7:22 PM
bitch bitch bitch
keeps taking MY baby away from mi.
cry oso take away,
play oso take away.
FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER
and i cannot say no...i wan to be the one to comfort my baby.
FUCKER BITCH
keeps SNATCHING MY BABY AWAY FROM ME and let mi just sit here do nothing but hear her crying outside with her.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
dun even let mi try.
FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER.
how should i feel as HER REAL MOTHER?
why am i sick with PND? its oso becoz of her, always taking away my baby from mi until i feel my baby dunnid mi, dun lurve mi. and yet she never understand, if tell her nicely, she say u disrespect her that she brought up 2 kids already. then what? I WONT GET TO BRING UP MY OWN KID becoz of that reason? she wan one more kid go GIF BIRTH YOURSELF. when i was pregnant, you NEVER BOTHERED how i was or how baby was growing inside. outside h1n1, u still come back and cough into my face. when i bled during first few months, you oso were quite happy that baby maybe gone. AND NOW WHEN YOU SEE HER LOOKING LIKE YOUR SON, you take her away from me when i was the one who protected her that 9months.
HOW I FEEL??????
i feel like a piece of my flesh being taken away from me.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Sunday, March 21, 2010
11:56 AM
today i gathered up courage to open my mouth to tell her how i feel...BUT STILL FAIL.
i told her im under stress and it makes mi very uncomfortable hearing herself refer herself as "MAK MAK" or "MAH MAH" to my daughter.
i told her i had a fren who has dis issue too.
she said if she changed the way she calls herself, she would be the one under stress and told mi not to listen to my friend. i said wad if baby really calls wrongly in future, she keeps saying wont one, out baby different from other peoples baby.
okay, i tried my very best not to break down and cry in front of her since that's the way she insist it to be.
at most, i carry my baby back to my house when that day happens.
and i oso mentioned that doesnt she notice that baby coos/smiles and very happy to see her compared to everyone else in the family, she said no la, everyone oso the same, rubbish. i got eyes to see for myself.
so upset and pissed off.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Thursday, March 18, 2010
2:27 PM
tryin so hard not to get mad...
im the mother.
im the mother.
im the mother.
yet u keep MAK MAK here, sometimes u even refer to yourself as mummy here to MY BABY.
my baby already always see u will auto smile, auto laugh, lurve being with u.
yet when i feed her, YOU WILL SNATCH AND TAKE OVER.
den bring her into YOUR room and listen to YOUR fucking hokkien music.
my room oso got music now.
this is MY DAUGHTER. STOP FUCKING TAKING HER AWAY FROM ME.
she used to smile and coo seeing mi, now she onli wan to be with that PIRATED MOTHER. she see mi and keep turning her head now.
IM FUCKING ANGR WITH THAT woman.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Friday, March 12, 2010
1:58 PM
why cant i go back home?
i really dun understand why everytime i mention going back my home to stay, hubby doesnt wan to.
juz now my anger rose again when my father in law, yes this time its FATHER in law, opened the door to look at sleeping rx (and their door creaks no matter how u oil it.) Rx stirs at the creaking door EVERYTIME. and he can happily come out and say baby is waking up. OBVIOUS RITE????? ITS BECOZ OF THE FUCKING CREAKING DOOR?!?!?!
den nvm he said to open the door den got ventilation. I ALSO FUCKING KNOW OPEN DOOR WILL HAVE MORE AIR but there is also a MOTHER IN LAW that makes loud noises (like moving those heavy chairs) and she talk/laugh loudly that will wake baby up in fright as well. DONT THEY REALISE I OPEN THE DOOR WHEN THEY ARE BOTH NOT AT HOME?
den he said let baby get used to the frights.
WTF? a baby who still dont know shit, cries when woken up from sleep, has to LEARN HOW TO GET USED TO FRIGHTS/NOISE?
i really duno wad this family is thinking.
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE NOT AT MY HOME? BECOZ THEY SCARED SUGAR's BARK FRIGHTEN HER.
den wads the diff between HERE AND MY HOME? my home only one bark issue. HERE SO MANY ISSUES. they can say dog bark very loud. THEIR NOISE NOT LOUD????????
IM SICK AND TIRED OF FIGHTING FIGHTING FIGHTING for my baby's proper sleep WITHOUT CRYING herself to sleep.
when she cries and wake from fright, WHO IS THE ONE WHO NID TO MANAGE? OSO ME! i see her wail like that, xim dono how tiah.
when shes bigger, know about things, tell mi let her get used to noise when sleeping, MAKES MORE SENSE than now asking a 4mths old baby to learn.
EVEN MYSELF CANNOT SLEEP WITH ALL THOSE NOISE THEY MAKE.
..............................
why cant i fucking go home where my life and my baby's life will NOT be under control.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Saturday, February 13, 2010
3:18 PM
Happie Chinese New Year To All My PaPa n MaMa 's Frenz~
~*SmOoChEssSs*~
*** and this has now become a memory..
Friday, February 5, 2010
11:54 AM
love love
ate my fav seoul garden with hubby grumbling away over kushinbo is much better without oil splirting on his arms. lol
walked ard in bugis to find couple tshirts which i bought for both of us to wear during cny eve.
took neoprints YAY my favourite, only get to do dis like once a year. g_g
walked and walked and hubby was exasperated not knowing wad to get for mi. ended up at puremilk where he chose a long shirt for mi to wear as pyjamas. haha
was happy la, able to spend those hours with hubby tho i know he was very bored window shopping. =X
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
juz that came home once again to an overactive baby who wans to sleep but kenot. always happens when we leave her in MIL's care. she will end up playing whole afternoon/evening then when bedtime she yawns but struggle to sleep. then my MIL goes out leaving the wailing baby to mi. she did try to put her to sleep, (after i was grumbling dat she over played already hard to sleep.)giving her the herbal powder but she had to go out already else the flower shop will close so she juz said baby sleepy already sure sleep den gif mi carry. sigh. end up she cry and cry until finally exhausted den fell asleep. it is not the first time already. EVERYTIME we leave her in MIL's care, she ends up playing and not sleeping den wailing herself to sleep by 10pm. zzz if we never go out, everyday she never cry at all. sleep, eat, play, all okay. so is she right all the time? she still thinks so.
*** and this has now become a memory..
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
7:40 AM
now dis is a surprise~
didi and mui gave mi dis dolphin for bdae. :D
didnt expect to still get softies at my age.
BUT i really prefer soft toys over many many other things. hahaha
thanks u two!
*** and this has now become a memory..
Monday, February 1, 2010
9:07 PM
all planned...
okay!
i haf decided..
on my birthdae...
will go buy new pillows (since the old ones are quite smelly now)
will go kiddy palace stock up on baby stuff
will go back my house change bedsheets for cny
will help MIL get some toothbrush holders that she saw mi buy for hubby
will probably on the way see some shirt or pyjamas n get hubby yo buy fer mi
lol
sigh
lol
all planned!
ps: rofl, thanks ermei for the surprise that u were thinking of, hubby actually told mi about it and said he replied no nid for mi already. *slap forehead* lololol actually, the person whom i really wan to even gif mi one slice of cake is him lor. budden, the route we taking as stated above, dun tink got pass by cake shop. and the itinarary above is also the so called "Spending time together" like how he replied to u. lol *Slap forehead again* its okay la, im so used to it by now already. THANKS AGAIN HOR ERMEI!!!!! thought that counts!!!!! *big big hugz* =D
*** and this has now become a memory..
Sunday, January 31, 2010
6:40 PM
Happy Valentines!
okay! again (for the past 10 years) i bought my own vday present den claim back $$$ from hubby.
bought dis bear and his name will be valentines. lol
not really lookin forward to my bday this year. again i nid to find my own present and claim. i mean which girl dun like a gift given to her, chosen by her own husband? but den he always not romantic one, end up i always buy and claim. zzz
and my mother, gives mi 2nd hand or 3rd hand gifts that she finds from other people who donated them away to salvation army.
zzz
show mi de lurve man!
*** and this has now become a memory..
Sunday, January 24, 2010
10:46 AM
play dog in petville (facebook)
Rx laughs and coos at dis funny dog!
*** and this has now become a memory..
Thursday, January 21, 2010
10:13 AM
Happie 3 months old cutie rx! :D
Daddy and Mummy <3 you! =))
muakzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ^_^
*** and this has now become a memory..
Friday, January 15, 2010
7:12 PM
bbq bbq chicken wings here i come! :D
*** and this has now become a memory..
so excited about tonights dinner!
with the usual gang at bedok 85!!! omgomgomg!!!
so looking forward to it~
suggested going there to eat MAINLY becoz of bro wee. so lazy bro wee maybe can go..but hubby hasnt told mi if hes going.
nvm!! i still get to eat chickenwings and barchormee!!!
omgomgomg!!!
cant wait cant wait~ xD
pls ask hubby out when u guys r free! we really nid outings! else at home, he sit at the computer, i in the room with baby, we hardly talk, never hold hands, no time to even get a hug or a kiss.
boohoohoo
*** and this has now become a memory..
Monday, January 11, 2010
12:12 PM
play gym~
thankie uncle tim, uncle wee, uncle james n jiejie veron ferde playmat!
*** and this has now become a memory..
